Attachment Styles in Relationships: How They Shape Love and Conflict

We all have different attachment styles, formed from a very early age. Ideally, everyone would live with a secure attachment. That typically means you had parents or caregivers who met your needs and provided a sense of comfort and stability.

Unfortunately, that isn’t the case for everyone. Some people grow up with parents who aren’t physically or emotionally present. Others deal with abuse, trauma, or neglect that can shape the way they view relationships. This can create an insecure attachment style.

Your attachment style plays a major role in relationships, no matter your age. Even as an adult, the style you developed as a child can shape the way you love, how you communicate, and how you handle conflict in relationships.

Let’s take a closer look at the impact of attachment styles and what you can do if your personal style has a negative impact on your relationship.

The Benefits of a Secure Attachment Style

A secure attachment style generally leads to a positive view of yourself, other people, and relationships in general. You’re likely to be a strong communicator in your relationships, expressing your needs, wants, and concerns openly without the fear of judgment or rejection.

Those with secure attachment styles also know how to set healthy boundaries. As such, they’re more likely to trust their partners, leading to greater intimacy.

When it comes to conflict, this attachment style makes it easier to problem-solve and seek resolution with compromise, rather than giving in right away or seeking out an argument.

Managing Anxious Attachment

An anxious attachment style is typically caused by a fear of abandonment. Maybe you had parents or caregivers who were not available and didn’t meet your needs. Or maybe their care was inconsistent. Later in life, this can cause you to crave closeness but fear judgment.

You might have a positive view of other people, but a negative view of yourself. As a result, you’re more likely to “cling” to people you’re in a relationship with. You might need constant reassurance from a partner that things are okay or that they aren’t going to leave. This can be taxing on a relationship and eventually lead to a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Your partner might end up leaving because they’re overwhelmed.

Understanding Avoidant Attachment

Some people who grew up without a secure attachment can go a different route. You might have learned to take care of yourself at an early age, and not to depend on someone else.

Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, that mindset can do more harm than good.

An avoidant attachment style is a defense mechanism. It causes you to be extremely self-sufficient and avoid emotional closeness. When it comes to conflict, you’re likely quick to withdraw or minimize issues you might have caused. This attachment style can even make it difficult for you to apologize. As you might expect, that causes escalation and unresolved conflicts.

What Can You Do to Change Your Attachment Style?

You can’t go back and change the way you were raised or the attachment style that was formed from an early age. However, there are things you can do as an adult to shift that style and transform the way you see relationships.

One of the best ways to accomplish that is through relationship therapy. Therapy will help you develop a better understanding of yourself and the attachment style you possess. When you recognize negative patterns or thought processes from that particular style, you can start to break the cycle.

Relationship therapy can also help with communication skills, making it easier to work through conflicts together, rather than withdrawing or giving in.

It’s never too late to adopt a healthy attachment style and let it reflect in your relationships. If you’re ready to take that step, contact me today to set up an appointment.