Why You're Not Really Hearing Each Other: Communication Breakdowns in Relationships
Do you ever feel like no matter how much you talk to your partner, you never feel as though they're hearing you? You may be having the same argument over and over again. You say one thing, but your partner hears another. You're feeling unheard, misunderstood, and disconnected. What's going on?
The problem isn't that you're not talking—it's that you're truly not listening. People don't always realize that communication goes far beyond just talking; there is a listening component that is just as important. This kind of communication breakdown is common, but it doesn't mean your relationship is over. It simply means that it's time to slow down and re-evaluate your listening patterns.
The Illusion of Communication
Most couples think they're communicating because they're talking every day, whether it's about the kids, groceries, running errands, or what's for dinner. But true emotional connection requires much more than exchanging simple information.
What often goes wrong:
Assumptions override clarity. You think you already know what your partner will say or mean in response to something, so you stop really listening.
Reactivity replaces understanding. Instead of pausing to reflect on what's being said, you react emotionally through defensiveness, withdrawal, or criticism.
Competing to be heard. You're so focused on getting your point across that you interrupt, talk over, or mentally prepare your response instead of listening to what your partner is sharing.
Signs You Aren't Really Hearing Each Other
If any of these sound familiar, it may mean you are stuck in this type of communication breakdown:
Conversations frequently turn into arguments.
One or both of you feel dismissed, minimized, or invalidated when talking to each other.
There's more silence, sarcasm, or passive aggression in conversations rather than being open and honest.
You are constantly saying to each other, "You're not listening," or "You just don't get it."
Issues never feel resolved, they just go in circles.
Why It Happens
There may be some deeper reasons why couples don't really seem to hear each other:
Emotional Overload: When conversations are heightened with emotions, your nervous system goes into fight or flight, making it nearly impossible to listen to what is being said.
Unmet Needs: You may be fighting over seemingly small things, like the dishes or texts left unanswered, but beneath it all are deeper needs—wanting to feel like a priority, being valued, or feeling secure.
Different Communication Styles: One partner may be direct with their communication, while the other tries to avoid conflict at all costs. One may need space to process, and the other may want to address the issue right away. These differences create friction, and will continue to do so unless they are effectively managed.
Past Wounds and Triggers: Past experiences can affect how you interpret what your partner says. A small comment may feel like a personal attack if it triggers an old emotional wound.
How to Listen
Communication is a skill that can be rebuilt even after a breakdown. But it takes intentional effort, vulnerability, and a willingness to get rid of old patterns of behavior.
Slow Down: Pause before responding. Take a breath. Ask yourself, "What is my partner really trying to say?"
Reflect Before Reacting: Repeat back what you heard to clarify any misunderstandings. "So what I'm hearing is that you felt left out when I made that decision without you. Is that right?"
Listen to Understand, Not Defend: Focus on understanding your partner's perspective and what they're saying, even if you don't agree.
Repair After Conflict: After a difficult conversation, check in: "Are we okay?" or "How did that feel for you?"
One of the best ways to learn to listen is to seek help from a couples counselor. Take the first step towards a deeper, more connected relationship. Call to schedule your first session and discover what it feels like to be truly heard.