Are You In a Cycle of Breaking Up and Making Up? What to Do If Marriage Is Your Goal
As the old saying goes, breaking up is hard to do. That can feel especially true when you truly want to be with someone, but you keep going through a cycle of breaking up and making up. Maybe you both want to make things better, but aren’t sure how.
It’s even worse when marriage is your goal, but you can never seem to get there because you break up too frequently.
It’s important to have realistic expectations when it comes to your relationship. However, if marriage is your ultimate goal, it’s just as important to understand what your next steps should be so you can break this cycle, one way or another.
Identify the Issues and Patterns
The first step in breaking the cycle of breaking up and making up is to figure out why it’s happening.
What specific issues trigger the breakups? What causes you to come back together? You might be dealing with communication issues or conflicts that keep coming to the surface. Even external stressors outside of the relationship could be the problem. Whatever the case, identifying the root issues will help you realize what you need to work on.
You should also pay attention to any negative patterns perpetuating the cycle. What are the recurring arguments or issues you’re facing that keep you in this holding pattern?
While it might not be easy, it’s important to acknowledge your role in these issues and patterns. More often than not, both people are contributing to the cycle, and holding yourself accountable for some of it is necessary.
Be Open and Honest
Communication is crucial when it comes to moving forward in your relationship. Once you’ve identified your issues, don’t be afraid to talk about them. Express your needs, wants, and concerns. Be an active listener for your partner. When you prioritize communication, you can work together to get through underlying problems, rather than sweeping them under the rug.
Honesty will also allow you to set healthy boundaries within your relationship. Maybe you need some time apart during arguments to cool off. Maybe you need time to focus on your individual growth and interests, rather than spending every moment with your partner.
Establishing boundaries will help to keep things clearer in your relationship while allowing for personal growth and reflection.
Should You Break the Cycle?
Keep your relationship goal in mind as you go through life with your partner. If that goal is marriage, your relationship needs to have a solid foundation built on trust and support. If you’re concerned that those foundational pillars aren’t there (and aren’t going to be there), it’s time to consider ending the relationship.
When one or both people are unwilling to change or put forth the effort required to strengthen your relationship, you’re going to keep going through this cycle forever and never reach your goal. That can leave you feeling unfulfilled and even harm your self-worth.
If you’re not sure what to do at this point, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Something like premarital therapy can help you and your partner get a better idea of where you are in your relationship. It can teach you communication techniques, help you identify negative patterns, and make it easier to determine if your goals and expectations are actually realistic, or if the best thing for both of you is to break things off.
It’s never easy to think about ending your relationship, especially if you’re with someone you’ve thought about spending your life with. However, don’t let that fear keep you from getting the help you deserve. Counseling can either help you strengthen the foundation of your relationship in ways you’ve never experienced or help you realize what you want and need that perhaps you aren’t getting.
If you’re ready to take that step, contact me today to set up an appointment.